07.04~ Happy birthday two peas in a pod!

It’s been a while since my last blog. I promised I would be honest and raw during my blogs so here goes… I have been struggling massively to to cope with life. My mental health has turned to complete shit. I’m talking genuinely having the urge to hurt myself. One particular morning, I had a massive breakdown. Bawling my eyes out basically hyperventilating, I walked into the kitchen and I dug a steak knife into my wrist just enough to feel pain. Why would I do something like that, it’s mental! I guess that’s why they call it mental health. I have so much anger inside of me that is building up more and more every day. I have moments where I feel happy and content and then something will happen or I will think of something and ‘BAM’ I feel so much anger that I want to smash something and scream so loudly. At times I will or I will just hit myself which is so uncharacteristic of me. Its like a brick is laying on my chest. I’m being told to swim but I cant, I am sinking. Something like that. I apologize to my loved ones if you are reading this.

I just cant come to terms with the fact that this is my life. A life where my only purpose is to keep the house clean and attend a thousand medical appointments. I am so over other people winging about their lives, saying they understand and comparing their situation to mine. I’m sorry for being honest but you don’t know what its like to walk in my shoes. I would love nothing more than to walk a day in someone elses shoes just to escape this reality. To be able to work and earn money, travel, drive, exercise, have a baby, ambition, etc. just have a normal life. I cant control anything, even my bodily movements. i am not saying this to make you feel guilty, you deserve all of these things too!

I’ll give you a brief insight on what its like for me. It’s constant pain and anxiety, it’s feeling so alone and isolated, its sleeping as long as possible just so the day passes by faster, its having no money in your bank account in fact paying overdrawn fees yet still having so many expenses and financial expectations, it’s watching the girl walk past with the shopping bags and the sick feeling in your gut because you can’t even buy yourself a coffee, it’s the guilt when you can’t pay for something, it’s the anxiety of asking for money so you can get out of the house and have a coffee or catch a taxi to a medical appointment, it’s waiting for the seizures to start and wondering with a belly full of anxiety if the seizure is going to be a dystonic event or a sensory event, It’s being treated and feeling like a dumb ass because you have a massive chunk of your brain missing and take ten thousand drugs, it’s having to take sleeping tablets just so you can have a decent nights sleep and having to take Valium just so you can attend a social event. Basically it’s wanting to live but having to survive.

I understand that my loved ones would take this away from me if they could but they cant and that is frankly just shit. It’s shit for the people who have to watch me go through this and it is shit for me. Apologies if you’re religious, I have stopped believing in God a while ago now. I decided if there really was a god all of the bad shit that happens in the world wouldn’t happen. Bad things wouldn’t happen to good people. I know plenty of good people who have been through some horrible things, things they don’t deserve. That is just my personal opinion. everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I know this all sounds super negative and gloomy but I warned you that I was going to be 100% honest, real and raw. This is how I have honestly been feeling. Hopefully once I start my Psychology appointments it will help but I can’t say Ill ever be the ‘old happy, confident Natalie’. How lovely that would be.

I apologize to my fiance Ross for not being able to give you the birthday you so deserved- again. This is just the story of our lives. Thank you Ash and Dane for buying everything to make the cake for Ross and Mum and also for the yummy pizzas. I think we did an amazing job with our Woolies cake hack trick and at least that is one joyous moment I could create for you both Mum and Ross. Hopefully next year we can celebrate with a little more happiness. Two peas in a pod are my mum and partner. Ironically, they share the same birthday the 7TH of April. These are the people that get me through. When I say I’m blessed with the best, that is an understatement.

  • Two peas in a pod!
Woolworths Cake Hack- The easiest and tastiest cake!
Two Woolies mud cakes (chocolate icing cut off).
Vanilla frosting all over and in between layers.
Blueberries, oreos and sprinkles on the top.
Kit kat around the sides.
Nat’s tip: It would have been tastier with no sprinkles and strawberries in my personal opinion hehe!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE! LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK.

Natalie xoxo

Here’s to my next blog being a little more upbeat!

Much love,

Nat xx

‘In a world where you can be anything, be kind’

Welcome back lovelies! By now you have probably read my previous blogs including my Facebook story and have an insight into my life.

Firstly, I really want to give a shout out to my girlfriend Jess. Jess is a very busy mother of four children yet she still has time for me. She is the type of friend who you could call at anytime and she would be there, you know the type that you can pour your heart out to and will actually genuinely listen and care expecting nothing in return! Jess is also the type of friend who loves unconditionally, doesn’t judge if she rocks up and there is cat fur everywhere, I have no makeup on (which lately is most days let’s be honest) my hair is a mess and basically life’s a shambles. Don’t ask me why but I always seem to be running late! Our friendship is not one of those run up with a big hug and say, ‘I love you girl’ type of friendships. We don’t really do hugging and all that stuff. Our friendship is built on a solid foundation gossiping about random shit, many laughs, people watching, love of food, mutual dislikes and most of all my love her amazing, wonderful, beautiful children. I literally never spend time with this family and leave feeling deflated. I always leave with a heart and soul that is so full of love and happiness. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Jess for being there not only today but every other day I have needed you. I love you girl 😝 (cringe) haha! ❤️

So onto another discussion, I was lying in bed having my usual seizures when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my back. Apart from Ross (bless him) giving it a massage there was not a great deal we could do. When I say ‘we’ I mean my partner Ross and I, we are in this together. The seizures continued as they do, each time my back muscles would go into a spasm causing extreme agony. I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep. I took some Valium to relax the muscles, reduce my seizures and help calm me the F@*# down! I popped a couple of neurofen, rubbed some deep heat on my back and slept on a heat pack. It seemed to temporarily do the trick.

Luckily, this morning I had my first Exercise Physiologist appointment. This was just a ‘get to know me and my condition’ consult but I was able to tell her about what I had experienced with my back pain. She was super lovely and really took the time to listen. I cant wait to start working on relieving some of my back pain as well as getting my strength back to a relatively normal level.

I have a physio appointment tomorrow which is more about shoulder that has been cracking during my dystonic seizures. When I say cracking I mean sounds like someone snapping a stick in half or opening a can of soft drink! It hasn’t actually popped out of the socket (according to the Xray) thank goodness! It is however extremely painful down the back of my right arm. The physio has given me exercises to strengthen my shoulder and tricep muscle. I have to confess, I don’t do them as often as I should 🤫 it sounds like an excuse, I promise it’s not! I very rarely have energy! When I do, It doesn’t last long and I usually have other things to do like chores. Ok, reading this back that sounded like the biggest excuse haha I definitely need to start making my exercises a priority! My physio is so lovely. She recommended that I get the referral from my gp to the exercise Physiologist.

Having lovely medical specialists makes all these appointments so much easier! Next up is my Centrelink medical assessment. Let’s see how that one goes…

To sum up my blog, each of these not so nice experiences are made so much easier, more bareable and nicer for me just by each person simply being kind. Wether it be Jess listening as I choke back my tears or giving me a lift to my appointment, Ross massaging my arm and back, my exercise Physiologist really listening and understanding that I may feel anxious in a gym setting but explaining how we can work around it, my orthopaedic surgeon giving me a gentle rub on the back as if to say ‘I’m sorry we can’t do anything and that you’re going through this’ or my physio always giving me the biggest smile and wishing me a happy weekend while knowing very well that I’m not doing my exercises as much as she would desire! I truly believe no beauty shines brighter than that of a kind heart.

Until next time.

Much Love,

Nat xx

My story

As promised in my last blog, here in the Facebook link below is the article I wrote for Epilepsy Queensland 💜 This will hopefully give you an insight into my life currently and also what I have been through during my short life.

There is so much more to my journey (past, current and future) than what is written in my story. I hope to share these happy and not so happy parts of my journey with you in my blogs.

Have a magical day!

Much love,

Nat xx.

www.facebook.com/855515392/posts/10162014455765393

This is me

Hi there my lovelies 💜 Welcome to my very first blog post!

During this blog I promise to be real, honest and most of RAW. I have been so hesitant to begin my blog but after many requests and encouragement I decided to take the plunge, to pour my heart out and tell you all of my personal experiences.

My life is not easy. I feel as though I am going through world war 11 at battle with Hitler who is my brain dictating every single part of my life, even my bodily movements! I warn you again this blog will be very raw! In saying that, It will also be full of love and happiness. I am seriously blessed with the best in my life. Including my fur babies!

The greatest part of blogging for me and why I have had so many people encourage me to start (even my doctor suggested it) is being able to express myself. Express my emotions, ideas, experiences etc. and it will actually make sense! As you will learn later on in my blog I have endured severe epilepsy, multiple brain surgeries, psychosis, and now suffer other mental health issues. I have an acquired brain injury as a result. A combination of all that I have endured and the million and one medications I am taking every day I have a lot of trouble expressing myself verbally. It’s like brain fog. Cognitive slowing I guess. I know exactly what I want to say but it takes me ten years to actually verbalise it so that it makes sense. And don’t ever expect me to answer anything even slightly complex on the spot. Give me about a year or so to think about it, then come back to me!

So on the 26th of March was purple day for Epilepsy Awareness. I wrote a story about my experience (a brief insight into my life) which was published by Epilepsy Queensland. They published it on their website, in their newsletter and on social media platforms. They also used a small snippet of my story in the hopes they would receive a grant from ‘Grace Gives’. If they received the grant, they would use the money for educational resources in schools. So badly needed!! Unfortunately there were so many worthy charities in the running that received more votes and Epilepsy Queensland missed out.

Epilepsy Queensland really is a great organisation. If you don’t have them on Facebook or instagram definitely do add them. Anyway, for you to gain further insight into my life I will share with you my story.

For now I will leave you with a great little quote I came across on Pinterest!

Much love,

Nat xx